No Strings Attached

I'm beginning to realize how much I don't love God as much as I say or think I do. To truly love someone, you're willing to lay down your life for them. As much as I've said openly, outloud and in my mind, that I will lay down my life for God in a heart beat, I think there has still been some luke-warm(ness) that went with it. My pastor preached on legality vs. intimacy, and it really got me thinking on how I've placed God as a law in my life.

How much do I really love Him? Am i consumed with thoughts about Him throughout the day? When I feel offended by His presence, am I willing to lay those offenses down for the sake of loving Him an ounce more? It's scary to admit, but I think its a shaky-no to all those questions. I'm not willing to give up things in my life, yet. A lot of it comes from my unbelief and skepticism of who He is.

But, there's also a battle that wages in me saying that this is simply the journey of getting to know God. I can't achieve perfection, but I also can't use that as an excuse and become jaded by the things around me. I really think it comes down to giving up or not.

I walked/ran/dragged myself through a 15-mile hike a couple of weeks ago, and I truly had to push myself to the limits. For so many people, 15 miles is nothing but a pat on the back (ahem... susan and mike), but for someone like myself, who is outwardly quite skinny, but is really overweight at heart, 15-miles was like mt.everest. *sidenote- i never knew how out of shape I was until that day.... For those of you who have never ridden a roller coaster in your life.. please don't start out with Goalith. Same goes with hiking.. if you know you're out of shape, run a few miles here and there before you try to go all crazy*

I really felt like I was dying. I even made a death video because at one point of the hike, I didn't know where the trail continued and I was all by myself. (mike and susan were leisurely strolling up the mtn...) But, there was something inside of me that literally pushed me forward. Even though I'm a tiny girl, I think God has blessed me with strength-like samson. Well, I am boasting a little bit more than I should because i know a part of the reason I kept going was the fact that I really didn't want to have rescue workers come find me.... especially since I was only on a 15-mile hike. sigh. But, definitely having a strong-will helped. I didn't give up and 6 hours later, I ended up making it out alive.

Man, hiking is such a parallel to life. Don't give up. Temptation, sins, and all that nastiness will definitely be around all the time. But, giving in to those things won't get you out alive. But, it's also about the will behind it. I not only had to get through the hike, I wanted to finish it so badly.

Basically.... don't give up. God's love for you is worth it. Suck it up and it's gonna hurt real bad.. but don't go backwards.

And if you really can't love God as much as you want to, God will always love you anyways. That's the thing about following God... we can only love because he loved us first. This is definitely a love i want to receive and give back.

Tale as Old as Time

This is a must-have for my future home. And if I can't pull this off, I want something along the lines from that scene in Beauty and the Beast, where Beast gives Belle that whole room full of books.

Realistically, that won't happen unless I happen to purchase a mansion somewhere in Ireland. I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. In the mean time, I've been itching to find a good read, but have been too lazy to search for one.

Gotta brush up on my history books, though. I think all roads and arrows seem to pointing down the path to teaching. Uncertainty and the unknown is perhaps one of the most scariest things to deal with. Up until 11th grade in Highschool, becoming a teacher was the most certain thing in my life. Ever since I can remember, using that old chalkboard and my dolls, I would always play pretend teacher. When the question "what do you want to be when you grow up" popped up all throughout elementary, I knew right away that my answer was teacher. Long story short, things changed in 11th grade when I found out my sister was going to pursue teaching. Immediately, I rebelled and I no longer found teaching something of "mine". I changed my mind and decided that if my sister was going to be a teacher, I wouldn't want to be one too. (so stupid, huh) But, now that I can see the bigger picture, or should I say still rolling in motion, I am thankful that I chose to study polisci/internal relations. Through it, I was able to experience living in D.C. (prob one of the greatest times in my life, thus far..), gained a life-long friend, and really develop a heart to someday participate in social justice around the world.

Anyways, things seem to be coming back full circle, and I'm starting to re-question all those thoughts that I used to have about teaching. Working with kids at church and at hagwon, I realize theres no greater joy than seeing something that I teach resonate and bring understanding to them. The moments of "ohh, I get it Sharon teacher" really makes teaching worth while.

Ugh, I still hate the uncertainty that comes with this whole career thing. Currently, the economy sucks and becoming a teacher is probably the worst thing someone can do right now. haha. but, I think I'm just scared again. Scared that if I put my whole-hearted effort into this, there's still a big chance of rejection. But... isn't that with just about everything in life??

Sometimes I wish life was like a fairytale or a Disney movie. Even though there's some type of hardship or obstacle to get through, a witch or weird octopus lady to defeat, there's still that certainty that there will be a "happily ever after." Okay, I know that's just dumb. I guess I don't know the future, but what I DO know is that I need to stop being lazy, and that with hard work and faithfulness, God will bring opportunities my way.

Plus, Disney movies are totally misleading. I mean cmon....Ariel deliberately disobeyed her dad to follow after some man that she had been stalking on a boat. Pshh.. I wouldn't want my kids learning that type of message.

Humiliation for humility

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Pride is the root of all evil. Okay, maybe not the root, but it's pretty close down the soil. Kudos to Hayley and the boys in writing this song, cause it hits right home. I interpret it to say that there's desire for her to turn off her pride. Though in being brutally honest, does it out of spite because it is not something easy to admit and let go. People cling onto pride.

mm..but that's why we all need humiliation and embarassment in our lives. We need hardships and crap to come our way. These are all things that will humble us. Humility is the essence to serving, and serving is the key ingredient in selfless love. Love that isn't without a clanging symbol.

THEN, she writes that being at the bottom is actually the best place to be. We're such prideful people that it takes us being "weak" and hitting the bottom to realize that we need God. Everything good and perfect comes from Him.. but we're so good at forgetting even the simplest of things. We tell ourselves that it was our own doing that brought us to where we are. Foolish.

Im really prideful. I mask it in insecurities, but really.. it just comes down to my desire to come off a certain way. The lesson learned this year (or i should say..learning...), is that pride takes up a lot of room in my heart. Room that can be used to loving my family more or the people in my lives. Space that I can use to stop being so damn selfish and be a little more selfless.

We need humiliation in our lives in order to know humility. When we're humiliated, we acknowledge that we're not as great as we place ourselves to be. Let's kick down our pedestals, shall we?

Hayley, you spoke to me. Too bad I didn't appreciate you when I saw you in concert way back in the days..

Timshel

It's been awhile since my last update. As you can see, I only seem to post when I get some type of major revelation or when a significant event occurs, hence the extremely long posts every once in a blue moon. So, as its becoming more of a tradition now, I've decided to unveil my latest post that I wrote a couple of weeks ago. It's long! and its kind of scattered!:

Pee bags, syringes, white-foam hand soap, beautifully-bloomed flowers. These are just few of the things that I've come accustomed to the past 6 months. 2010 is considered the year of the "white tiger", but for my fam and i, it's been more like the year of the "white coat" (haha..lame) I've encountered way too many doctors, nurses, midwives, etc. and truly...the hospital smell has become somewhat comforting.

Even though I grew up being surrounded by this stuff because of my mom, I hated the sight of blood all throughout my childhood. Every time my sister would watch E.R. on the tv, I would scream, not even squeak, and run outside the room. It's funny cause I am in no way, shape or form, disgusted by blood now and am actually more fascinated by it. So much that if it didn't require 8 years of my life, I would pursue a career as a medical surgeon. I mean I loved dissecting that cat during 11th grd physiology. Anyways, the point is, hospitals are kind of my shin-dig... something I've acquainted myself throughout my life, and especially in the past year.

Irony is an interested thing. If you look all around, irony is in the way trees come out from tiny seeds, being on a small planet in the midst of a gigantic universe, etc..The point is, God wasn't stupid when he created the world. The evidence of God is all around us and He's created everything with a purpose and reason for its existence. He even decided to throw himself in the mix, just to give us tangible evidence that He is a God that is true to His word. The most ironic thing in life is the death and resurrection of His son. But really, if you ponder and think long and hard about it, not just accepting it as something we "Christians" and "Catholics" celebrate as a holiday, you will come to realize that it's truly the ONLY thing that actually makes sense.

I was first in the hospital earlier this year in order to fight off death; to try and stop death and destruction from taking over my dad's life. Ironically, the second time I was in a hospital, a little bit later on in the year, I was celebrating and supporting the idea of bringing about life. The amazing thing about who God is, is the fact that out of death comes life. Out of dust, He breathed his very Spirit, forming an actual human being. It's not two separate things, but its something we will have to deal with throughout our very existence. The journey throughout my hospital visits have almost been a cycle of life to death...death to life. Sin brings destruction and death to our lives.....but by God's grace and love, we are able to experience life again to its fullest. Jacoby's birth reminded me that there is life abundantly waiting for us.

Another huge irony in life is even though God is all-knowing, all-powerful, He chooses to give us, the little people, the power of choice. As man, one of the greatest gifts, as well as the most abused, is the ability to choose. For my father, though he is outwardly doing better, I know that he won't truly feel life until he encounters God. Until he is able to be free from his sins and all the crap that he's been carrying his entire life. But like us, my dad's been given the choice to choose whether or not he wants to believe in God. As mentioned, that can be considered somewhat of a curse because wouldn't it be easier if my dad was forced to believe in God? But what kind of a relationship would that be. God knew this when He gave us that power.

Life is about choices. Crap is gonna happen. My dad isn't fully healed 100% nor is walking a Christian life yet. Jacoby is still blind in one eye and everything is still uncertain and up in the air.

But, I think this is where the "choice" part comes in, and where I myself decide how to handle these unforeseen circumstances. Life" and "resurrection" is a secure victory for us and is ready and available, as long as we choose to have it The Cho family has decided that we will remain hopeful and faithful in the only thing that makes sense to us... the power and authority that God has because He is GOD. The God of life is Lord over death (ie; cancer and blindness.) And hopefully, even if it doesn't result in what we want, our choice in seeking the best out of these situations will lead to joy, rather than sorrow. At least we'll know that we tried to pursue righteousness, rather than the downfall..

Along with this gift of choice comes the responsiblity of having it. The ability to choose how to act or repond can either go two ways: it can open the door to hurt and destroy the life of the other or perhaps the latter, and the choice that i hope we desire to pertain: to choose to bring life to others. Use this gift wisely because its one that was neither earned or deserved.. it was redeemed by a price.

Life will happen to you, whether you're on board or not. It's our choice to decide whether being on board means remaining faithful and clinging on to what IS solid and known (God), or letting the circumstances rush by like a train and choosing to stay behind in depression and cynicism

LASTLY...Timshel- "thou mayest- that gives a choice." (also a reference to Cain and Able in the bible) An interesting definition and the subject of this post. An excerpt out of the novel "East of Eden" by John Steinbeck pretty much sums up what I was talking about:

"But ‘Thou’ mayest! Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of his brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win. t is easy out of laziness, out of weakness, to throw oneself into the lap of deity, saying, ‘I couldn’t help it; the way was set.’ But think of the glory of the choice! That makes a man a man. A cat has no choice, a bee must make honey. There’s no godliness there."

Mumford and Sons- Timshel. The harmonies in this song is ridic.

Princess Conseula Banana Hammock!

--edit: I wrote this like a month ago, but haven't posted it until now--

Today, along with the past two weeks, have been dream-like. There are these huge mountains surrounding the River, covered by snow and these white cumulous clouds. It kinda gives off an Appalachian Mountain-esqe type of feeling, adding onto my already confused feeling about "real life."

Corn pops is doing better. (one of my fav cereals growing up) Thank God that He hears our prayers...and is a God that is for us and not against us. Wooo! Our obedience+trust -> GOD's POWER!.

Moreso than my dad, I got the chance to get to know my mama a bit more during our hospital stay (who btw...looks just like Jesus. Thank goodness I'm speaking figuratively..she wouldnt look good with a beard.) I'm a little coy about writing this blog, since the subject of it is going to be about my mom, rather than my dad, but her stories are too good to not be written down. They definitely need to be documented for future conversations and delightful reminders of how awesome my mom is. There's more than meets the eye...when it comes to Linda Cho, RN.

She's turning 57 in December, but she's lived a life of a rockstar and has been really good at hiding it from the fam. Premeditative Warning: this is going to be a long blog dedicated to story-telling of a woman that 95% of you people have never met..or in retrospect, will probably never meet. So.. if you don't care.. just leave. I for one, found her mid-20's to be rather exciting and enjoyable (not being bias in any way) :)

*ahem* Way back when, my mom's grandfather and grandmother were unable to have children, so her grandma resorted to stealing her brother's firstborn son. That son became my mother's father. (my grandpa) Her father, along with his theive-like wife and 4 additional concubines, lived in Korea as rich folk. (have i lost you guys, yet?) anyways, this was just a backdrop to her dysfunctional and dramatic family. He eventually grew up to become a mayor of a small city and father to 7 children; including my beautiful mother. To fast forward: my mom begged my grandpa to let her go to nursing school in Germany, so she studied hard and even learned the German lanaguage. That all went down the drain after months of drama, but she was eventually stationed as a nurse in Dubai, Saudi Arabia.

Zipping forward, and these are her words exactly, "i found my first and true love there." Forbidden to have any interaction with the local people, my mom and her two nurse friends would sneak out of their hospital dorm and go party it up with the local hunks (sounds a lot like what people my age do....) To make an extremely long story short, my mama met a tall, dark, owner of a mercedes, man and went by the name Sayid. They fell in love. He would whisk her away at the break of dawn to take her on his boat... would teach her to water skii....feed her grapes, perhaps. (when she was recounting this part, i kept picturing a scene from james bond or the original version of charlies angels) at the end of her two year mark, she had to make a decision whether she would continue in Dubai or go back to the motherland. She left that ultimatum up to lover-boy-Sayid, but unfortunately, this is where the story reaches its climax. My mom finds out that Sayid is a part of a royal blood line, hence all the money, and he had been set up to marry his cousin since the year that the two were born. Furthermore, he was Muslim and marrying him would mean my mother's sacrificial religious conversion. However, there was a glimmer of hope for Sayid, as the culture back deemed having more than 1 wife acceptable. My mother, believing that it was her pride, but was really by the grace of God, would not allow herself to become his "second wife." She was also very adamant about being a Jesus-lover, rather than an Allah follower. (Thank the Lord, hallelujah)

anyhoo, they were suppose to meet at the this one place at this one time, but she decided to not meet him, and ended up flying back to Korea. (wow, dramatic-huh) Time goes by as he realized he loved her too much and decided to buy her a plane ticket back to Dubai. She went, foolishly blinded by love, but half-way during her visit she realized she was tormenting herself by being there and left once again.

Years pass by. My mother had torturously gotten over her Aladdin prince, and started nursing at one of the best hospitals in Seoul. It was there that she met her, again in her words exactly, "my 2nd love." *sidenote: my mom aint no playa. She was actually a very independent, head-strong, I don't need a man, type of woman.. too bad they flocked to her like a pack of wild geese.*

She meets lover #2: Dr.Kim, the dreamy surgeon of Korea's Greys Anatomy. McDreamy. However, there is one huge catch..and ultimately the deciding factor for leaving him: his fanatical, money-hungry, mink-wearing, mother.

Even though my mother was in love with this man, she knew that her furture "mother-in-law" would never accept her the way she was and in turn, make her life a living hell. Never would she succumb to a lifestyle like that, especially when she had worked hard to build a life apart from the cultural limitations that were binding all women back then.

OKAY. I know this was long and I probably lost all of you (though I have about...3 readers maybe. 4 if I'm lucky) My mom had enough and was planning to leave to America, but her mother was so inducive for her to marry before she left, out of respect and obedience to her, my mom stayed. She eventually met MY dad and has been with him for 30 years now. Her story is a bit satirical and ironic, bc she wasn't in love with my dad in the beginning. In fact, she wasn't attracted to him at all. It is a bit sad, but the truth of the matter is, that was the culture back then. It was at that moment in our conversation, where I saw my mother with brand new eyes and a new refound respect for her. She has faithfully stayed with my father for all these years, loving and pouring out her heart to him, sacrificing so much of who she was and is for their marriage. Here she is....30 years later, holding my dad's hand and taking him to the bathroom, changing his sheets, never once leaving his side. This is Jesus.

More than for you readers, I think i wrote this for my own amusement. I've also decided to make a movie out of this and I, Sharon Cho, will probably be casted as the lead role. I'm not sure I can live up to my mom's amazingness, but I think I'm okay with it. She teaches me to be a better person and that's all I could ask for.

To be found faithful

People come and leave. Seasons pass and go. I look back in my life and I can't really say that a single person has been there for me in and out. Of course, there is my family who will always be with me til' the dying days, but even so, they're human with flaws. They have the option of up and leaving. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, but the point that I'm trying to come across is that being faithful is a hard thing to come by.

The last two weeks have been the most challenging, disheartening, physically and emotionally exhausting. This fall quarter has been proven to be a tough one, more so than the ones in the past. To make matters worse, I caught this cold (felt more like I was dying) that made every step even harder to get through. I guess I didn't really realize this until now, but how did I even manage to get through it? Many could argue its because of my drive for good grades...maybe even the fear of failing in school.. or it could have been just my discipline and my abilities to study. Whatever it was, I have now come to one conclusion that I am 100% sure of: God was faithful to me through it all and that's how I managed to pull through.

Enough about me and let's make it about Him. God is faithful. He is not just faithful in His words and actions, but HE IS FAITHFUL. He embodies all that it means because that's who He is. There is no other definition of faithfulness, except that it is who He says it is. I felt like I was in hell these past weeks. I have a good way of hiding it...again some could argue that its cause of pride (which im sure a teensy bit of it was) or trying to prove myself in anyway, but all I do know is that it was supernatural faithfulness that kept me alive. I feel a little foolish to not have acknowledged it then and there, but God was not hesitant in coming through for me. Whether it was through cold remedies, physical strength, or even making sure of my sanity, He came through.

No matter what, God will be faithful to us in loving, protecting, providing, and caring for us. No doubt about it or even second guessing, but He has proven to us that His grace and mercy will always be there. It's not a question of whether God will show up, it's a question of whether we will. Even though I wasn't "cured" of my illness or I might have done bad on my finals, I was still able to get through it without landing in the hospital and possibly not have failing. He wasn't outright in showing me His powers...but underneath it all, He was the underlying reason why I didn't go insane. That's what faithfulness is, right? It doesn't say in the bible that faithfulness comes in the form of doing favors for us. God is not only faithful by giving us momentary gladness, such as healing my cold or getting me an A on my tests. Of course, theres no doubt in my mind that God can be faithful to us in those ways. However, more than that, Faithfulness means being steadfast to the one thats in front. It means giving us the strength, empowerment, and the abilities to push through. He has been that to me.

Now it's my turn: my only response to His faithfulness is my faithfulness to Him. I've come to the acceptance and acknowledgment that I may not be the smartest person ever. It does take me more of an effort to get good grades. Knowing this and being okay with it, I know that I have to discipline myself and continue to be motivated in my studies. My roommates refer to me as the "studious one"... "polisci nerd"...."gma" I, on the other hand, just see it as I have a horrible memory, which requires me to study harder. During my finals, I kept telling myself to be faithful in the things that God has given me. School is definitely a privilege. One that not every single person gets to earn or receieve. In light of this, I know that I have to pursue to excellence in all areas of my life, school being one of the most important. I don't want to get good grades to bring redemption or pride in anyway, but I'm called to be a student and a great one is what I'll be!

What else am I to be faithful to? Of course to Him... but to also my family, friends, church, school, the band. I am to be the best daughter I can be. The best friend I can be. The best promiseland teacher+worship leader. The best manager/supporter I can be (with the little to no knowledge of how to do it) In all these places, I am called to be faithful to love, care, protect, provide. Why? Because He is that to me. I am not to try and "look to the future" in starting to live my life. No. He's given me so much more than I could ever ask for and its in these places and things where I am to pour out my heart, thoughts, time, energy etc. Not in any way for outside recognition or in personal glory, but in response to the One who has been faithful to giving me this life. He has entrusted to me His very Spirit, His blood, and His word because He is faithful to love me all the days of my life. My life has been bought with a price. I've entered the promiseland because He has been faithful to get me through it. Now it's up to me to return the worship that He deserves.

I press through, in and out, because of what You have done for me God. God, you deserve so much more that I am offering now, but I pray that this will cause me to pursue you even more. To be found faithful.

John Williams is my hero.