I'm beginning to realize how much I don't love God as much as I say or think I do. To truly love someone, you're willing to lay down your life for them. As much as I've said openly, outloud and in my mind, that I will lay down my life for God in a heart beat, I think there has still been some luke-warm(ness) that went with it. My pastor preached on legality vs. intimacy, and it really got me thinking on how I've placed God as a law in my life.
How much do I really love Him? Am i consumed with thoughts about Him throughout the day? When I feel offended by His presence, am I willing to lay those offenses down for the sake of loving Him an ounce more? It's scary to admit, but I think its a shaky-no to all those questions. I'm not willing to give up things in my life, yet. A lot of it comes from my unbelief and skepticism of who He is.
But, there's also a battle that wages in me saying that this is simply the journey of getting to know God. I can't achieve perfection, but I also can't use that as an excuse and become jaded by the things around me. I really think it comes down to giving up or not.
I walked/ran/dragged myself through a 15-mile hike a couple of weeks ago, and I truly had to push myself to the limits. For so many people, 15 miles is nothing but a pat on the back (ahem... susan and mike), but for someone like myself, who is outwardly quite skinny, but is really overweight at heart, 15-miles was like mt.everest. *sidenote- i never knew how out of shape I was until that day.... For those of you who have never ridden a roller coaster in your life.. please don't start out with Goalith. Same goes with hiking.. if you know you're out of shape, run a few miles here and there before you try to go all crazy*
I really felt like I was dying. I even made a death video because at one point of the hike, I didn't know where the trail continued and I was all by myself. (mike and susan were leisurely strolling up the mtn...) But, there was something inside of me that literally pushed me forward. Even though I'm a tiny girl, I think God has blessed me with strength-like samson. Well, I am boasting a little bit more than I should because i know a part of the reason I kept going was the fact that I really didn't want to have rescue workers come find me.... especially since I was only on a 15-mile hike. sigh. But, definitely having a strong-will helped. I didn't give up and 6 hours later, I ended up making it out alive.
Man, hiking is such a parallel to life. Don't give up. Temptation, sins, and all that nastiness will definitely be around all the time. But, giving in to those things won't get you out alive. But, it's also about the will behind it. I not only had to get through the hike, I wanted to finish it so badly.
Basically.... don't give up. God's love for you is worth it. Suck it up and it's gonna hurt real bad.. but don't go backwards.
And if you really can't love God as much as you want to, God will always love you anyways. That's the thing about following God... we can only love because he loved us first. This is definitely a love i want to receive and give back.
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